The Dilemna of Ambivalence

Thursday, June 1, 2006

This is a hard BLOG for me to write...the toughest, so far, in the short history of this journal. My father...an essentially cold individual, and my only family member who has NOT accepted me being Transgender, suffered a heart attack last weekend. We received the results of his angiogram yesterday...one of his previously bypassed coronary arteries is completely blocked. The other two which had been bypassed (not quite 20 years ago) are virtually closed. This cardiac infarction was similar to a low level quake that lets us know a bigger one is forthcoming. Had my dad NOT had this attack...the prognosis would have been extremely dismal. So...now he has the chance to have those arteries repaired anew and, with any luck, will have a number of years before his arteries become gunked up with plaque, once again, and need further attention.

His odds this time are about 50/50...at 85...any operation is risky...and...as a second bypass patient, other risks are present. Plus there is the anesthesia factor which is ALWAYS potentialy problematic, but increases with age.

So...my life is not financially secure...to drop everything...school, what little money I earn...to go down for the surgery is creating a personal emotional crisis for me. Should I stay or should I go?? I hate the guilt...I do not want to give into self pity...I both love my father and, I must admit, hate him. I do not respect him. He was not a formative role model in my life.

He is of the opinion that my being Transgender is a reflection of something he did or didn't do. He was an absentee father for most of my life...too busy at work. I cannot blame him for that, But he is the kind of person who cannot show or accept love very well. If I hold him responsible for anything, it was for his inability to express love...a trait I fortunately learned from my mother. I was not a "mama's boy"...I tried very hard to be like the other boys...but...I knew I was different from the time I was 3 or 4 and I cannot blame that on nurture...it was undeniably nature.

I have tried to explain to my Dad that he is, in no way, responsible for me wanting to be a girl. His response was to assume that my issue was HIS issue. He is stuck in the binary world which refuses to open its eyes to the diversity that supercedes binaryism.

Ergo...ambivalence.

I love a man who refuses to let me be close to him and I resent him for that.

It is literally eating me up on the inside. I can, cerebrally, understand what is going on inside, but this is occurring at a deeper level and it is not something that can easily be reasoned away. It is palpable, visceral and undeniable.

It is affecting me in ways I could never have imagined.

Yesterday afternoon, I was eating without paying attention...distracted by this crisis...I inhaled some of my soup, by mistake...it was the first time in my life I ever needed to call 911...but...I was unable to breathe for about a minute...finally...I am guessing...I managed to dislodge whatever it was that had become stuck...but...needed to be checked out by the paramedics to be sure.

I guess I must admit to myself that I am not very good in crises...but...I know they pass and I need to allow myself a certain emotional "comfort zone" to make it through the challenges of this one. I need to focus so I can send Dad healing energy. I want to spend some time today in medititation and visualization and I need to be careful to keep myself as ultimately positive as I can possibly be.

trickster108