Science and the Akashic Field

Friday, June 30, 2006

I just finished reading Ervin Laszlo's amazing and provocative book last night. It is, in many ways, far over my head.I am, certainly, no theoretician nor am I that well versed in the new physics. I have the most rudimentary understanding of string theory. And...I will also say, for the record, that my off hand knowledge of many philosophers and their theories is also limited.

That being said, much of what I AM able to comprehend resonates with my world view. It is subtitled "An Integral Theory of Everything" and that may seem ambitious but it encompasses a new approach to our understanding of physics, biology, and cosmology. The purpose is to construct a new unified theory that accounts for many of the loopholes, missing links and anomalies that had always presented themselves with Newtonian, Euclidian, Darwinian and Einsteinian models.

The underlying hypothesis is that the universe...not only our universe but all universes...in fact...not just all universes that are, but all universes that are, were and ever will be...something which Laszlo calls the "Metaverse", is permeated or imbued by information. Information, as it is envisioned, is the essential "stuff" of the Metaverse.

Many would consider this to be just more "New Age" pap, but for the erudite and compelling argument his theories postulate. Many distinguished physicists, biologists, cosmologists and philosophers have signed on and many prominent universities and seats of learning have embraced Laszlo's work as ground breaking.

Laszlo uses the term "Akashic". This old Hindu concept was/is believed to be very similar in nature to what he is hypothesizing.

Even for laypersons, the impications are astounding! They indicate an underlying unity that pervades all life, life forms...and...pervades what we have come to call inanimate as well as animated complexes of atoms, molecules, compounds, etc.

These theories reinforce what many mystics and esoteric spiritual seekers have experienced and believed. They help to advance our understanding of the interconnected nature of life and of beings and of our biosphere. They elucidate the thoughts that no micro system exists alone, separate or in a vacuum, but that they all interact and affect each other, regardless of temporal and spatial distance.

This gives us a clue that provincialism is self defeating and that dwelling on our irreconcilable differences is nothing more than a cul de sac on life's road.

At the risk of repeating myself from previous entries...we must find a way to embrace diversity and integrate our multitudious differences with the fact that we are all one and part of a larger whole. This may seem paradoxical but coincidence of opposites is an archetypical paradigm.

I would postulate that an understanding of Laszlo's theories will necessitate a radical departure from our parochial world views and working with paradox, just as working with Zen Buddhist koans, represent a potential key that will facilitate our explorations and, perhpas, open many doors.

trickster108

Signing Statements

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I had wanted to view the Arlen Spector led judiciary committee hearing regarding this president's copious use of signing statements. Did I miss it or was it just not aired on C-Sapn or C-Span 3? I guess I was thinking that this particular hearing would be of paramount interest and, even if it did not give us a glimpse inside the administration's thinking regarding the signing of legislation and the lack of any presidential vetos, it would at least force a discussion that would, perhaps, shed SOME light on the constitutional issues.

I will admit to complete ignorance...how could legislation be signed into law and then revised by caveat, at whim, by the chief exectutive officer? I don't see any allusion to such powers in the Constitution and I cannot recall any major Supreme Court decision that affirmed the executive power to dismiss the exigencies of signed law.

How and where did this power come to be? Oh yes...I have been made aware that other presidents have made signing statements but I have seen none that give a president the express power to dismiss or ignore established law.

This all goes to the debate over the extent of executive power and may perhaps be the most important issue facing the United States at this time. It flies in the face, in my estimation, of all constitutional theory as espoused by Madison, Hamilton and Jefferson. It belies the established separation of powers. It negates congressional and judicial jurisdiction and oversight powers. Unlimited executive power IS the reason the United States exists in the first place!! It represents the reaction and overthrow of tyranny and despotism!

So...what have I missed? Where have I, according to Bush, Cheyney, et al, been led astray? What is the rationale that will make their theory palatable? Alas...I fear that its justification lies in an executive/corporate liason that intends to fatten the rich at the expense of the poor, to further polarize the classes, to give unlimited power to the "ruling elite".

I fear our founding fathers (even thought they, themselves, represented an aristocracy) would be screaming, from their graves,

BEWARE!!

trickster108

Transgender and Stealth

Monday, June 26, 2006

Following upon yesterday's BLOG, I would like to explore the issue of Transgender Stralth a bit further. This has been a fairly hot topic amongst one of my newsgroups. The debate seems to focus on the advantages and disadvantages, as well as the advisability, of a stealthy approach to being transgender. One facet of this is the compromise position of "compartmentalization" and represents one potential solution.

The overwhelming opinion seems to be that there is far too much divisiveness in the GLBT Community generally and the Transgender community particularly. The dissension between heterosexual cross dressers, gender queer, drag queens, pre-op transexuals,post-op transexuals, et al. is palpable and serves only to alienate one from the other. It is not only inappropriate and judgmental to set standard for others, but it enables an elitist mindset that is counterproductive to any progress our community stands to make.

The "elitist replacement" syndrome is as old as the hills...as one group gains "acceptance"...the next group to seek equal rights is marginalized by its predecessor. This self defeating stance will kill any hope towards attaining equal rights for the GLBT community.

On either side of the compromise position are the two extremes of full time stealth and full time "out".

The position of the full time stealthers is that they are not willing to jeopardize employment, family and friends.The biggie is the job. The variable is something the TG community has come to call "passability". The more one is able to "pass" in the chosen gender presentation,the easier it is to choose stealth. Those who are unable to "pass" are relegated to either remaining closeted or dealing with the ramifications of openess. Choosing to live in stealth, to some, is significant because of the perceived, or real, survival issues.

The position of the full time "out" proponents is that change will be more difficult, if not impossible, to achieve were we all to live stealthy existences. They maintain that a responsibility to the community necessitates abandoning the stealth option.

The truth is, as is often the case, that there are valid considerations for both of these points of view. Yes...the more open we are, the greater the chance that we can effect change. There is strength in numbers and letting people get to know us as individuals helps to establish a sense of commonality. But, the choice is up to the individual and anyone who assumes the elitist position that anyone who is NOT open is a liability to our community perpetuates an exclusionary policy that is no better than the societal marginalization we are currently experiencing.


Compromise is the magic formula. The trick is to refrain from imposing one's standards and values upon another. We are, each and every one of us, masters of our own lives. We aspire to an age of personal responsiblity and this means allowing others who reach whatever decisions they embrace to pursue that in an atmosphere of freedom.

In the immortal words of Rodney King, and recently reiterated by my friend Joney,

"Can't we all just get along?"

trickster108

Trangender, Google and ENDA

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I received an email post this morning regarding a particular transgender individual's experiences in the job market.

She was in the interviewing process when the interviewer looked up and asked had she been involved with a number of trangender activist organizations. The interviewer had simply "googled" her name and up popped hundreds of links.

In the face of all of the evidence, she replied in the affirmative. The remainder of the interview was superficial and cursory. It was obvious she was not going to get THAT job.

Was I dismayed?? Of course. Was I surprised?? Unfortunately, no...

As much as the GLBT community has discussed recently the desperate need for ENDA, and as intense as the fight has been by activists...we have made little progress towards an end to discrimination for the TG community and, as evidenced by this specific individual's experiences, the hits just "keep comin".

Not too long ago, a survey was done in San Francisco citing the below average income, employabment and wealth statistics, across the board, for transgender individuals. This study is demographically drawn from one of the most accepting locales in the country. Granted...there HAVE been strides in the major metropolitan communities in NC...Charlotte, Raleigh-Durham, the Research Triangle. But...I would be willing to bet that very few of those individuals who have good jobs and financial security are both non-self employed and openly transgender. Here in rural North Carolina, I am living proof.

This is a fight we cannot afford to give up...we are talking survival. We are certainly not the first, nor will we be the last, to face wanton discrimination, bigotry, intolerance and marginalization.

So...even in the face of this new electronic obstacle, we must remain steadfast.

I resist any kind of elitist or separatist agenda...and...the thrust of my argument in working for ENDA has been the concept of commonality. We are not so different after all. We, as well as other non-transgender people, have the same desires goals, likes, dislikes, highs and lows. In short...the only difference is our individuality with regard to gender presentation. This includes the entire spectrum of gender diversity.

I work towards an embrace of that same individuality, of the right for all people to discover who they REALLY are, to really know themselves, to undergo that process Jung called individuation. I guess I would have to say that our particular struggle is part of a larger one in which mono-mania has tried to eliminate diversity. That is the real struggle...to appeal to our world's multitudinous and diverse nature and to champion any individual's right to truly "be themselves".

"How Would A Patriot Act?"

Sarurday, June 24, 2006

Having just finished Glenn Greenwald's fine book, "How Would A Patriot Act?", I find myself in greater disbelief regarding this administration and George Bush than had previously been the case.

As Mr. Greenwald observes, this is neither a Democratic nor a Republican issue; neither a left nor a right concern. The platitudes enumerated by many that no civil liberties exist when you are dead belies the degree to which some of these individuals lack an understanding of constitutional law.

Our founding father vehemently wished to avoid monarchical control by any branch of government, even though they did give to the "people's branch', the legislature, a certain amount of precedence, particularly regarding the passing of laws. Separation between the three branches of government was part of the genius these founders used to create a new form of government that was designed to withstand the vicissitudes of time. The current administration has essentially usurped monarchical powers and undermined that genius.

We, as citizens of this country, have, for the most part, been willing to allow their power grab in the name of security. The truth is, however, that security is not the issue. It has been a ploy used to cow Americans into buying the administration's power grab and is based upon fear mongering. Such action is not only deplorable but ethically bankrupt and the shame our leaders should feel is rationalized away through outright lies.

The lastest addition to the laundry list of laws broken by the Bush administration is the scrutiinzing of bank records without a court order. Add to this the wanton tapping of telephone, email and other communications sans warrants, the suspension of habeus corpus, the vigilante persecution of whistle blowers and the deconstruction of the Bill of Rights, just to name a few, and the picture we are left with is downright scary. It is unacceptable.


The Bush presidency has been clearly marked by a refusal to accept responsibility for ANYTHING while maintaining their innocence and good intentions. The "uniter" has been anything but! The daily throwing of partisan epithets at administration critics is despicable and smacks of a deeper guilt that this vitriol is designed to cover up.


As dissentors to this hijacked government, we who dissent are the true patriots, following in the footsteps of our founding fathers who risked everything to prevent a tyrannical despot, King George, from wielding total control over their lives. We must do the same! Our numbers will grow, as we see them consistently gaining strength. The character of America will rise up and retake our government and our values.

We will NOT allow this new King George the luxury of foisting his fear mongering upon presidency after presidency, generation upon generation.

NOW is the time to stand up and be counted!

trickster108

Transgender and Political Correctness

Friday, June 23, 2006

I have been questioning myself of late. Have I been overly sensitive to apparent anti-transgender and homophobic verbal expressions?

Of course...in all honesty...some people are unavoidably and totally homophobic. Tucker Carlson is the first one who comes to mind. Bill O'Reilly is another. As deplorable as it is coming from them, I have come to expect such insensitive expressions. Even though there are times I find myself agreeing with Tucker, I have learned to take, with a grain of salt, his homophobic distribes. Bill O'Reilly I never agree with and would never expect him to understand transgender issues.

But, of late, I have found otherwise resonant voices expressing what can only be considered couched slurs against the GLBT community. The two media personalities who come to mind are Keith Olberman and Randi Rhodes. Don't get me wrong...I am not insinuating that either of them is homophobic...I, however, believe that there is a cultural bias that is hard to root out and still rears it's ugly head even with otherwise sane thinking individuals.

I have heard, on more than one occasion, Keith Olberman express a certain squeamishness any time a news item involves a man dressed as a woman. The latest was his piece on the Florida traffic cop who was dressed as a woman while on duty, working the traffic division. This has not been the only instance of his awkward handling of potential transgender issues.

With respect to Randi Rhodes, the seeming political incorrectness has, of late, been associated with Anne Coulter and the intimation that she is "really a man-just look at her adams apple". Again...I may be too sensitive...but...I quiver and shake at the thought of being associated in any way with that woman. If only she WERE transgender...perhaps her vitriolic attacks would be more subdued.

I would like to add that, in the cases of Both Randi and Keith, I am, again, not asserting any agenda. I think they are both victims of a pervasive societal view that has just not evolved to a point where even inadvertent and mistaken comments can be avoided. When you live in a culture of intolerance, it is easy misspeak.

I would also like to add that, in every other respect, I am HUGE fans of both of these persons. Other than these particular faux pas, I find their perspectives to be refreshing and ones that resonate with MY world view.

The point I am making is that the concept of politically correct language, even though stretched to extremes in far too many instances, reflects cultural moires and biases, and that a refusal or inability to recognize them helps to perpetuate the culture of intolerance, bigotry and marginalization even when there is no express intent to do so.

I envision the day when all people are accepted as human beings and not disenfranchised for any reason. It is the goal I work towards and the hope I live with every day.

trickster108

Gwen Araujo

Thursday, June 22, 2006

On Tuesday, June 20, I watched the Lifetime special "A Girl Like Me"...the story of Gwen Araujo. By the end of the film, I was cryng hysterically. It is difficult to determine which part of the portryal of Gwen's life was jardest to bear. There was the disdain, intolerance and ostracization by both her classmates AND teachers. The atrocity of her brutal murder and careless burial in a ditch was nothing short of gruesome. The visual impact of demonstrators at the funeral and outside the Guerrero home, informing Gwen's family that she was a sinner, that God hated her, that there was no worth to her life, was appalling. And, how can we forget the TWO trials...4 convictions...2 manslaughter, 2 2nd degree murder...NO hate crime charges!!

In this age of war and brutality...it seems a bit hypocritical that we do not hold Americans to the same ethical standards as we do for so called terrorists. Are not all brutal murders atrocities and should not all such heinous actd be held up as an example of the kind of behavior we do not tolerate?

I am against the death penalty. Nonetheless, I am of the opinion that these four perpetrators should have had to spend the remainder of their lives incarcerated, if only to serve as examples to the community that hate crimes will not, under any circumstance, be tolerated.

Have we really been unable, as a society, to move past the immorality of intolerance? What strides have we actually made? Have they been illusory at best?

We still see bigotry against all minorities. We still see hatred on account of skin color, race, religion, gender, sexual preference, tribal affinities and gender presentation.

IT HAS TO END if we ever want to become a civilized society. Until that day...we are savages who have not evolved past Neanderthol mindsets and barbaric world views.

trickster108

People who do not "get it"

Monday, June 19, 2006

I find myself at a loss these days when confronted by people who just do not "get it".

By "get it", I am referring to individuals who bury their heads in the sand and who refuse to open their eyes.I certainly do not want to take a "more knowledgeable than thou" posture, but, it is evident that people like these have no interest in how the world affects their lives and families and careers.

Equally as exasperating are friends and aquaintances who insist that we must support Bush and his crones, must fight terrorism wherever it raises its ugly head, and must sacrifice our freedoms in order to attain security. They use that cliche..."when you are dead, you have no freedom"

How do you respond to those of this ilk when you know that conversing with them is as effective as talking to the walls?

Unfortunately,living in the rural south, these two mindsets seem to prevail...those who refuse to think and those whose thinking is radically amiss.

I keep hoping that the dust will fall from their eyes and that they will, at some point, see the light.

I have an instructor who firmly believes that Anne Coulter has a valid point. She is, obviously, not ignorant; yet, she has bought into this house of cards the current administration has built and cannot be dissuaded, even by persuasive and cogent discussion, from swallowing this stuff.

Again, living in the rural south, the intolerance towards the GLBT community abounds. In this case, it is not possible to blame them for head in the sand syndrome. No, they espouse a hatred that belies their puffed up sanctimony. Every day, my local paper contains one of these vitriolic diatribes, particularly on the heels of the Southern Baptist convention in Greensboro, NC.

I can only hope that they will come to understand that such intolerance, bigotry and hatred are not very Christian in nature.

Until that day, I will continue to persuade and cajole these recalcitrant individual. Perhaps they will, some day, find it within them to broaden their perspectives.

trickster108

"Stuff"

Sunday, June 18, 2006

"Stuff" has become the new opiate of the masses.

Recall the old George Carlin routine...where we put our stuff, why we collect stuff, names we call our stuff...

In the 21st century, stuff has now taken on a new moniker. The never ending pursuit of stuff has become an American pastime. Oh yes...we have always suffered from the "keeping up with the Joneses" syndrome. But, today's world has perfected this acquisitiveness to an art! I am not implying that technology is bad, nor that life in a computerized age is bad. The point I AM making is that technology unbalanced is a detriment to individuals and to societies.

What is worse, however, is that I have come to believe that the government/corporate coalition is now using "stuff" to keep us anesthetized, so to speak. As long as we can pursue the accumulation of stuff,as long as we can be the first one on the block to own that new gadget, we subliminate and eventually repress the losses of freedom that the government appears to be imposing upon us daily. The average American is happy to absorb these losses of freedom as long as they appear not to affect them personally.

We have seen so many Americans state that, in this age of perceived or real terror (you make the call as to which), they are willing to grant to this administration Orwellian powers under the guise of the government as caretaker model. This is a deception. If we continue to cede to the government authority which was specifically denied them by our constitutional "founding fathers", we will all end up paying the price.

Unfortunately, however, this "stuff", this 21st century opiate of the masses, proves to be the distraction, the incentive, the addiction...call it what you will...that the public sucks up at an unheard of pace.

This is the reverse of sensory deprivation...it is sensory overload. Our lives and minds are bombarded with a plethora of stimuli. Our children are beginning to forget what books are. We allow our minds to atrophy as a result of this milieu where we let computers think for us. And we continue to acquire the latest and greatest contraption that, they say, will simplify our lives.

We need to pull ourselves away from this sugar sop. It's effects are just like the sugar buzz with which we are all familiar. Quick lift followed by lethargy.

Resist the government/corporate plot to subvert your inalienable rights. Speak out against tyranny, inequality and the proclivity to trade our freedom for an elusive, fabricated and short-lived appearance of security.

Refuse to be dominated by "stuff". Teach your kids the value of books and the importance of thinking for themselves and self-reliance. Encourage activism and involvment...no one need sit on the sidelines.

And...never forget that oft quoted adage..."When they came for the Jews...I wasn't Jewish, so I did not stand up...when they came for the Gypsies...I was not a Gypsy, so I did not stand up...when they came for the Communists...I was not a Communist and I did not stand up. And, again, when they came for the trade unionists...why...I was not a trade unionist and I did not stand up. When they came for me...there was NO ONE LEFT TO STAND UP."

There are no excuses to not stand up!!

trickster108

Cheney and NSA

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Well...we made it past the "dreaded" 6/6/06...I cannot believe the fuss..."much ado about nothing"


Last night, as I watched CNN...I was informed that the Senate Judiciary committee had abidcated it's oversight responsibility in favor of the Veep...granting HIM the discretion to handle the alleged AT&T illegal and mishandling of phone information. Wow...should I be startled? Our Congress has consistently failed it's oversight mission, but...Cheney??

C'mon...that's like the proverbial fox guarding the henhouse!!

Yet...with only 45 days remaining in this congressional session, our legislators choose to debate the inclusion of discrimination in the Constitution.

Wake up America..the day is not far when they will come for you and there will be "no one left to stand up".

Words to the unwise and to those who have forgotten the lessons of history...

trickster108

Federal Marriage Amendment...Take 2

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

I have spent the afternoon watching C-span 2 and the Senate debate on the Federal Marriage amendment. Again, I will reiterate my distress regarding the institutionalization of discrimination and bigotry.

I must remark...with the exception of Sen. Kennedy (D-Mass) and Sen. Dayton (D-Minn), every democratic senator objected on the grounds that this debate was an exercise in pandering to fundamentalist special interests. Only the two senators I have cited had the courage to call the proposed legislation by its true name...a revisionistic and regressive exercise in hatred, bigotry and blatant homophobia. I applaud their courage to champion a less than popular opinion...to stand up for their beliefs, to not cave in to pressure for bigoted constituents.

This country is a democratic republic. Madison and Hamilton did not hesitate to point out that a democracy would unfairly favor a majority against a minority. The beauty and ingenuity of our alleged government system, at least as envisioned by Madison and Hamilton, was that a minority's rights would be protected even within a deomcratic and representative government.

We need only recall the nature of this country prior to the civil rights movement. The majority of citizens did not endorse nor support the rights of the African American community. Likewise, prior to the suffrage movement, women had been denied the vote...mostly by a majority of men.

These policies and social judgements have changed, slowly, certainly not completely...we still have miles to go...but...can we not understand that GLBT rights are at the same point in history as previous minorities were when they contended for equality?

And...can we not see that this IS a church vs. state issue...and...that, as I mentioned in a prior BLOG, the statistics do not bear out the reconstructionist viewpoint or agenda?

I did a bit of investigation...here is a pertinent link...

http://www.stcynic.com/blog/archives/2004/11/red_stateblue_s_1.php

I did some fact checking and most of the statistics proved to have sound footing...

It is time for us to open our eyes...we must prevent this travesty, this perversion of justice, from gaining a greater foothold...our humanity is at stake!!

trickster108

Trickster108

Trickster108


Tuesday, June 6, 2006







Online Colleges

Trickster108

Trickster108


Tuesday, June 6, 2006







Online Colleges

Online Colleges

Federal Marriage amendment

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

This is a sad week in America. It is the week when, bowing to political pressures, our government seeks to institutionalize discrimination. Have we ever progressed past our civil rights transgressions? Evidently not.

The proposed federal marriage amendment is clearly an abridgement of a certain class of American citizens' rights. It is, equally, an infringement upon the separation of church and state. The logic completely eludes me...probably because there is absoultely no logic involved. Statistical evidence proves that the 10 states that either allow same sex marriage or civil union, and those that specifically have made no such attempt to amend their state constitutions accordingly, have the lowest unwed mother rate and the lowest divorce rate. Conversely, those states which are most vehement in their attack on the GLBT communities have the highest unwed mother rate and the highest divorce rate. It is also statistically evident that money problems and finiancial distress are the primary causes for divorce.

This argument is based solely upon someone's religious convictions and to enact legislation or to attempt to amend the constitution on such grounds is clearly a violation of the separation of church and state. Even the democratic president, Bil clinton, was guilty of demeaning the GLBT community with the "Defense of Marriage" act, which, too, was a blatant breach of church/state separation.

Yesterday...I listened to Senator Sam Brownback(R-Kansas) and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanon unequivocally state that, essentially, being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender was deviant, immoral and was indicative of the onset of decadence in this country. Well...I do not deny that this country displays signs of decadence, but they are absoultely NOT due to a person's sexual preference or their gender presentation. It is because we have devalued the middle class...we have elevated wealth to godly status. Many of these so called fundamentalist reconstructionists have rationalized their wealth as a sign that God is pleased with them and that material rewards are God's way of showing favor to those who have "been saved". That, my friends, is clearly decadent!!

The audacity...to relegate the, perhaps, 5+% of Americans to immorality, social decay...to blame US for society's ills...well...that is undeniably preposterous and unacceptable.

Jesus associated with the lower classes, the outcasts, the unwanted...he preached non- judgement...he taught love...how these people can call themselves "Christians" defies any attempt towards understanding.

If there is such a place as Hell...as these fundamentalists are so convinced...I am confident that there is a special place reserved there for those who have pridefully preached and practiced intolerance, who are guilty of blasphemy by disparaging any single member or group which is part of the Great Spirit's creations.

trickster108

Miscellaneous

Monday, June 5, 2006

It's amazing...during times of personal crises...one loses complete track of current events. I watched no news for the past 4 days...and...am completely in the dark regarding what has happened in the world. Nations could have collapsed, tidal waves swept away civilizations, and I would be oblivious!!

It proves that, when we are consumed with our own affairs, nothing else matters...

I did, however, try and distract myself by watching a movie...saw Hotel Rwanda...and bawled my eyes out. Such tragedy is unscionable and inexcusable. But...what is worse..is learning history's lessons and forgetting them so quickly. What is happening in the Sudan is comparable to what happened in Rwanda...ethnic cleansing, genocide...and, the world waits and watches. There is no oil there to recover so the West has little interest. And the desert weeps...

I wanted to write about the power of prayer...the depth of the effects of healing from a distance. My father was a lucky man...the extent of his cardiac disease was immense...his odds slim. But, I must believe that the power of the mind, when joined together with other minds, can accomplish amazing things. Call it prayer, call it faith, call it healing at a distance...we know little about how it works because it cannot be submitted to scientific proof nor be explained by the scientific method. But, there are those amnogst modern scientists who postulate the existence of an "Akashic field". It is this field which allows the power of the mind...the part of the brain that we have allowed to fall into disrepair...to exercise its influence irregardless of time and space restrictions.

More on this later...

trickster108

Relief

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Dad was in surgery for seven and a half hours. They say he was springing leaks left and right. Miracles, however, DO happen. Not even 24 hours after surgery, Dad was sitting up, was comfortable and able to talk with me on the telephone. And he sounded GREAT!! I want to thank his surgeon, Dr. Boe, for his talent and expertise. I want to thank the nursing staff who have gone out of their way to make Dad comfortable.

Despite my ambivalence, I love my Dad more than I can express. In fact...I realize that this love explains part of the eitiology of my ambivalence. I will, once again, admit to not being a rock during crises. I surmised that the fact that I have been on hormone replacement therapy has not helped. But, the degree of relief I am now experiencing is equal to the amount of confusion and despair I was living through yesterday and the day before.

I am doubtless an emotional being and I would not change that about myself...I would rather have this constitution than be rational and cold...

trickster108

The Dilemna of Ambivalence

Thursday, June 1, 2006

This is a hard BLOG for me to write...the toughest, so far, in the short history of this journal. My father...an essentially cold individual, and my only family member who has NOT accepted me being Transgender, suffered a heart attack last weekend. We received the results of his angiogram yesterday...one of his previously bypassed coronary arteries is completely blocked. The other two which had been bypassed (not quite 20 years ago) are virtually closed. This cardiac infarction was similar to a low level quake that lets us know a bigger one is forthcoming. Had my dad NOT had this attack...the prognosis would have been extremely dismal. So...now he has the chance to have those arteries repaired anew and, with any luck, will have a number of years before his arteries become gunked up with plaque, once again, and need further attention.

His odds this time are about 50/50...at 85...any operation is risky...and...as a second bypass patient, other risks are present. Plus there is the anesthesia factor which is ALWAYS potentialy problematic, but increases with age.

So...my life is not financially secure...to drop everything...school, what little money I earn...to go down for the surgery is creating a personal emotional crisis for me. Should I stay or should I go?? I hate the guilt...I do not want to give into self pity...I both love my father and, I must admit, hate him. I do not respect him. He was not a formative role model in my life.

He is of the opinion that my being Transgender is a reflection of something he did or didn't do. He was an absentee father for most of my life...too busy at work. I cannot blame him for that, But he is the kind of person who cannot show or accept love very well. If I hold him responsible for anything, it was for his inability to express love...a trait I fortunately learned from my mother. I was not a "mama's boy"...I tried very hard to be like the other boys...but...I knew I was different from the time I was 3 or 4 and I cannot blame that on nurture...it was undeniably nature.

I have tried to explain to my Dad that he is, in no way, responsible for me wanting to be a girl. His response was to assume that my issue was HIS issue. He is stuck in the binary world which refuses to open its eyes to the diversity that supercedes binaryism.

Ergo...ambivalence.

I love a man who refuses to let me be close to him and I resent him for that.

It is literally eating me up on the inside. I can, cerebrally, understand what is going on inside, but this is occurring at a deeper level and it is not something that can easily be reasoned away. It is palpable, visceral and undeniable.

It is affecting me in ways I could never have imagined.

Yesterday afternoon, I was eating without paying attention...distracted by this crisis...I inhaled some of my soup, by mistake...it was the first time in my life I ever needed to call 911...but...I was unable to breathe for about a minute...finally...I am guessing...I managed to dislodge whatever it was that had become stuck...but...needed to be checked out by the paramedics to be sure.

I guess I must admit to myself that I am not very good in crises...but...I know they pass and I need to allow myself a certain emotional "comfort zone" to make it through the challenges of this one. I need to focus so I can send Dad healing energy. I want to spend some time today in medititation and visualization and I need to be careful to keep myself as ultimately positive as I can possibly be.

trickster108